Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon .Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation… as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
-- Jilly Cooper
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
-- Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
-- Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
-- Herbert Henry Asquith
Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
One thing life has taught me: if you are interested, you never have to look for new interests. They come to you. When you are genuinely interested in one thing, it will always lead to something else.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
If someone betrays you once, it’s their fault; if they betray you twice, it’s your fault.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
-- Unknown
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon .Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation… as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
-- Jilly Cooper
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
-- Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
-- Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
-- Herbert Henry Asquith
Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
One thing life has taught me: if you are interested, you never have to look for new interests. They come to you. When you are genuinely interested in one thing, it will always lead to something else.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
If someone betrays you once, it’s their fault; if they betray you twice, it’s your fault.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
-- Unknown
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